Personally, my journey as a young wife started rocky but later became stable.
With that in mind, you might think that my marriage is perfect, it isn’t. I’ve had my share of crying in bed and constantly saying “ had I known” but thankfully I emerged with various lessons which is why I’m writing to share with you today . I am positive that it will help you navigate your marital challenges.
I’m hoping that as you read on, you will note down your questions. I am definitely available to take them.
So without hesitation, let us dive into the matter of discussion. Please read with an open mind.
The first lesson I learnt in my early marriage is to:
- Forgive my husband in advance.
I realized this the tough way. In my second or third year of marriage, I found out that after any disagreement with hubby, it was difficult for me to move on.
I always waited for him to approach me with an apology which rarely happened. This waiting period built up anger and resentment in me.
Funny enough, while I was there waiting for an apology, hubby had moved on. I’ll see him gisting and laughing over the phone.
This continued until I talked with myself and to protect my heart, I decided to accept his apology in advance and move on.
Right now my husband has my forgiveness in advance for the things he is yet to do wrong. How interesting… hahahaha
But isn’t that what God does for me?
The reason is simple- my peace of mind and general mental health is important to me.
If you are still holding on to unforgiveness, the implication is that you have handed over the wheel of your happiness to someone else.
This may not be easy for you, but You must learn the art of letting go before any wrongdoing happens. Trust me, the feeling is golden!
The truth is It will hurt deeply, but once you have mastered the act it becomes easy.
You know it is the little things that cause the big fights right?. So trash issues as they come.
PS: I need you to understand that there is a difference between letting go of something by choosing your battle, and sweeping things under the carpet.
2. Don’t lose your sense of self. Understand that your individuality is key. One thing I’ve come to realize is that in the early years of marriage, some young Wives get busy with everyone else but themselves. This happens especially if your idea of marriage is different from what you are now experiencing.
All the dreams you had as a single lady are still valid even as a married woman.
Don’t throw them away.
Work towards achieving them.
They are important.
Your aspirations, skills and talents are valid. NEVER FORGET!
One thing I usually do with my signature coaching session is to start with a self-discovery course. This is because it is important you understand who you are and have a clear picture of what marriage is to you. Your source of happiness and satisfaction should come from within you first. The happiness you will bring to your marriage flows from how happy you are as an individual.
It is imperative to know who you are and what calms you down. Personally, music calms me down. I know that being a wife and a mother is not a piece of cake. I have my share of the stress it brings. Still, this is where planning and working towards your goal becomes important.
Don’t misunderstand me. I am not encouraging complete independence from your husband. As a matter of fact, you should both run your plans by each other so both of you can come to an understanding. The good part of this is that you will become accountable to each other..
You need to have a plan because having no plan lands you into failure land. Know what you want to do with yourself and begin a journey to self-discovery & marital bliss.
3. Channel your energy to what you have control over. This is very deep. If more women have an understanding of this, life will be easier.
In the past when my husband did something I didn’t like, it resulted in me nagging. Trust me, that didn’t help me. And it took a while to realize that I could only control my own emotions and reactions and not my husband’s.
It makes sense to control yourself. I know the question is, what do I mean by controlling myself?
I will use myself as an example. Even though I like to be happy always, I realized that when we just got married I sometimes went into a mood.
It was now up to my husband to give me space or respond to that situation with wisdom. What I’m saying, in a nutshell, is that when you understand your spouse you will be able to know when he needs space to deal with things alone rather than getting upset over His mood.
Reacting to matters in the wrong way and wrong timing could provoke a negative response from him, which might likely lead to conflict. To minimize conflict, know how to handle issues that are out of your control.
4. A successful conflict builds intimacy. (smiling) Have you heard of a successful conflict before?
Like I always say, conflict avoided may cause more harm than good but conflict properly managed is better. When you actively engage in healthy conflict management, it helps you understand each other better, and strengthens the bond between you two. The ability to understand each other’s point of view concerning different things positions your marriage for growth. This way, when such matters arise again you both know how to handle them.
Mastering the art of conflict resolution is important. It is a skill you should acquire so that you can successfully engage in resolving your disagreements. One thing I have learnt is to discuss matters as they arise rather than piling them up.
5. Nurturing your marriage is what keeps the flame alive. This one is top-notch. I wish you could see the big smile on my face right now. Intentionally tending to your marriage is paramount to the growth of your relationship. Note the word Intentional. Nothing grows without an intentional act to make it grow.
I have learnt to deliberately nurture my marriage to keep the flame alive. Please don’t just get married and relax. The marital bliss you desire requires action.
You don’t need to wait for special occasions to do special things with your soulmate. Cultivate the habit of playing with each other, spontaneous buying of gifts, go out on dates, movies and occasions together. Don’t be all serious in your marriage. Add spice to your relationship. Intentionally investing in building friendship is one of the things that sustains marriage. I tell my clients to build structures that will help their marriage work.
You should do the same.
6. The power of praying together cannot be overemphasized. I know we’ve been taught to pray for each other, which is beautiful. But there is an unusual grace both of you can generate when you hold hands to pray together. Make it a priority to have frequent dates with God. It could be two or three days a week. This isn’t religion. I am talking about a Christ-like couple living how God intends for us to live.
Your marriage is meant to depict the relationship between Christ and the church. Praying with your spouse builds intimacy. You won’t understand this until you try it. It should be a lifestyle. I enjoy every time my husband and I pray together. Can two walk together except they agree? Praying together is stronger than kayamata. (You know what kayamata is na). Prayer bonds you together with your spouse against devilish attacks and the truth is Establishing this as the foundation of your home is important.
7. It’s the little things that cause the big fight. What I learnt to do is to trash issues as they come. Those insignificant things like; oh, you pressed the toothpaste from the middle, or you didn’t shut the door, can turn into very big issues if not properly managed.
And, let me say this, there is a difference between letting go of something and sweeping it under the carpet.
The first means that you don’t want to make issues out of something. So you rather let go by choosing your battle. That is absolutely fine.
But, sweeping things under the carpet is where the problem is because avoiding the issue could cause resentment. By the time you avoid one, two, three issues, they begin to pile up which will later turn to big issues in your heart. Suddenly, one day you would just explode with bags of anger.
One time, my husband said “did”, and I heard “didn’t”. I said “I will”, and he heard “I won’t”. Imagine we left this and didn’t talk about it. We will both be going on with anger for each other.
You see how little things can turn out to cause big fights in marriage? So, you need to learn to tackle and discuss things as they happen.
These are the key lessons I learnt in seven years of being married and I am still learning.
Let me say this: Gaining knowledge is important but applying it is what yields result.
Did you learn something you will implement?