Every time I hear people say, “All your Husband wants is a peaceful home”, I ask myself, “Where is the Wife who doesn’t want a peaceful home”? lol.
Please tell me I am not alone with this thought process.
During my study earlier today, I came across that passage of the bible that talks about us pursuing peace (1 Peter 3:11 NLT), and I dwelled on it more just to figure out why? I then remembered that pursuing peace is hard work and it doesn’t come easily to a lot of Couples. Peace is more than just the absence of trouble.
For a second it may seem like the Wife is the nag who likes to bring up issues over and over again, but from experience with my Clients, I have see that some Husbands will rather avoid the conversation or bluntly reject the opportunity to discuss because they will rather have peace than engage in a conversation that may lead to a disagreement and if not managed properly perhaps a fight.
To be honest, I can relate to an extent because I also know some Wives who would rather have peace than trash out an issue. Unknowingly to them, that peace is not true peace. Here is why, the more you push forward a conversation that ought to provide you clarity and result in true peace, the more you live in denial because the foundational cause of that issue remains unresolved. With this going on for months and years, you can now see how some Couples accumulate issues in marriage.
The Peace keeper is the one who will always avoid conflict by refusing to confront the issue at hand with the hope that sweeping it under the carpet will make peace reign. On the other hand, the peace maker knows that it’s best to bring up the conversation and discuss it, if even if it leads to a conflict.
Today, I have decided to share with you, 5 ways you can pursue peace in your marriage without sweeping the issue under the carpet and piling up resentment in your heart:
- Find peace with yourself.
- Let go of the fundamental lie that not communicating how you feel is the best way to give your husband peace.
- Learn to forgive and let go.
- Face your truth.
- Be soft with your choice of words and demonstrate compassion.
Let’s go deep on each of the points above so that you cane have a sneak peek into my thoughts on this:
Find peace with yourself
Shocking but true. How are you looking for a peaceful marriage when there is no peace within yourself? You blame yourself for everything including those outside your control. With an empty glass of peace, you will struggle with accessing peace in your marriage no matter how committed your Spouse is to you. You must learn to take responsibility for yourself, your actions and inactions. If this is an area you are struggling with, please spend time with God, and seek His face. Commit yourself to a healing process that will rescue you from this current state of mind. Some people believe that they married the wrong Spouse, hence they have refused to forgive themselves for this act. The truth is personal matters cannot be dealt with by the public, you must go through the process of embracing the whole you so that your heart is open to also give and receive peace of mind.
Let go of the fundamental lie that not communicating how you feel is the best way to give your husband peace
This will be living in denial and being straight up unfair to yourself. It hurts me when I see Women hold back on expressing themselves because they seek to give their husbands peace. I understand that as women we have lots of emotions most of which we may not understand, but this is why having an understanding of who you are and why you act the way you do is key. You cannot continue to bury matters under the carpet and expect that your husband will be aware of the conversations ongoing in your mind. What we fail to realize is that unresolved issues will always come up in the future because your husband is clueless to your feelings on the issue. Please don’t do this to yourself, I beg of you! Open up! Seek further help if you cannot do this on your own. I can help you on this, but if this is something you are capable of then please forge ahead and strategize on effective ways to relay your feelings and overcome this myth that your Husband can read your mind. Either way, please don’t ignore this point. My desire is that you are enjoying your marriage and not just marking time in it.
Learn to forgive and let go
Just in case you have been told to forgive and forget, please note that this is not what I am proposing. No pressure to forget and don’t be deceived, forgetting sometimes takes time so you may remember the hurt from time to time. It took me a long time to finally realize this truth. Have you ever realized that when your Husband hurts you, it seems to bring to memories of other similar hurt that had taken place in the past? Sometimes, unknowingly to you, the pain you feel increases because your mind has processed part of the pain of the past and added it to the current pain. Gosh! Can you see how the problem gets worse by the minute? Our minds can travel so far in split seconds and if you are not conscious you may begin to refer Him to last month, last year and even several years ago. Some people even remember the date, time and location (simply put you have the anniversary date of his wrong doings stored up in your mind) lol. I have been hurt by my Husband, and I know that it can be painful, but if you must enjoy marriage ,you have to intentionally learn to let go of the past and forge ahead from the present. This is to say, handle the case in hand per time and try so hard to let bygones be bygones.
Face your truth
As humans we are not perfect beings. There is a chance that we are the cause of our own limitations due to the choices we have made as an individual. One of the modules I take during my coaching session is to open you up to understand what drives your Spouse so that you can understand the beliefs that guide His decisions. If you are making so much effort to change something about your Spouse that may be a hard knot to crack, is it possible that you may be wasting your time?. Don’t forget that no one has the power to change another Human, we can only influence their decisions and the timing of this is unknown to anyone else. If only you could understand your Spouse better, accepting the truth that this is who your Spouse is and choosing to move on with it may be a better choice that may give you peace as a Wife and ultimately restore peace in your marriage. Refuse the urge to compare your Spouse with anyone else and genuinely ask yourself what areas can I apply this principle to? For some things, you may just have to let go and trust God to do His work. Making this decision alone gives so much peace, trust me, I am a witness to this.
Be soft with your choice of words and demonstrate compassion
Overcome the need to say hurtful words to your Spouse as an expression of your hurt. What you must remember is that people who are hurt are most likely to hurt others as well. You must have heard that 2 wrongs will never make a right?. Whilst you communicate with your Spouse, be careful so that rather than feeling attacked, your Husband is open to hear you out and easily grasp your point in clear terms. I think it’s fair to add that the outcome of the conversation may not always turn out positively like you envisage it to be, please be mindful so that you do not cause more harm than good. Confront with love, and allow some room for some benefit of doubt.
The journey of chasing peace in marriage will sometimes require you to be vulnerable with your Spouse. Don’t run from it. Feel it and release it. With the end goal in mind, this all becomes an easy process. I know you have learnt from this post but I want to beg of you, please be sure you are doing the best you can to avoid piling up issues and living in denial.
I will love to know what jumped at you the most and what you have taken up to practice in your marriage from today. Do share in the comments and share this valuable resource with your Spouse and friends who will also benefit from this.
PS: If you are yet to read my book on mistakes you must avoid as a Young Wife, please click here to read it now.