The goal of every marriage is to have a healthy & blissful Union- At least I know this should be the goal normal people o! hehehe….I had to include that clause because people now seem to enter marriage with various goals in mind which was never God’s intention at the beginning.
So for me, a healthy marriage includes one where both parties are able to freely and effectively communicate. This means that both parties should feel heard in the relationship.
Your Husband may actually feel like he is listening but you really don’t feel heard. If this is the case, you cannot afford to be silent or ignore the truth that your relationship is at this phase.
When communicating with my husband, I always like that he stops pressing his phone to give me undivided attention. Lol.
Oh Yes. I am that Wife who wants full attention whenever I have something to say.
So if you feel like you always try to talk things over with your Spouse but He doesn’t listen, perhaps you feel that you are becoming a nag because you feel unheard, or you frequently propose smart choices by making useful recommendations to your Husband but for reasons best known to Him, He never listens to you, then keep reading on because this blog post is for you.
First thing I will say is Relax!
Listen, there is always a way out and I am about to show you how.
Okay, now that you are relaxed, think for a second how did you get here? I mean what is the foundation of this challenge and why is He not Listening? Has He always been like this? When did this start?
There could actually be a lot of reasons, but today I’d share just a few of possible reasons which I am certain will be helpful.
- Is it possible that you have a very strong instinct, hence you believe that you can foresee a problem before it Happens. I have heard that Women are generally Smarter. Is it true? Tell me in the comments would love to know your view. Personally, I think that both Men or Women can be smart and it depends on a number of factors, but what do you think?
- Is there any chance that you are unconsciously trying to control your Husband. Perhaps you are thinking if He claims to love you, he should show this by aligning with your opinion. On second thought, you love Him too right? It is also possible that He expects to be loved as well. Perhaps he also expects things to always go His way? Hmmmn! Now the question to ask yourself is must it be your way all the time. No need to feel guilty if this is you because I was once here, so I get it.
- For some Men, they would rather avoid the topic especially if it’s a difficult conversation and this is one of the major causes of conflict in marriages.
- Unable to express Himself. Some Men were not trained to be very expressive of themselves. Various factors could be responsible for this such as upbringing, personality, etc. For some they have been accused of “Talking like a Woman” while growing up, so they became Men who barely talk without knowing their engineering has been altered.
- The level of compatibility could also be responsible for why your Spouse may not be listening to you. So many issues we face in marriage are a result of foundational issues that have been tossed to the side rather than being addressed. Sweeping issues under the carpet. So many homes have their rugs screaming for help because there are a lot of problems yet to be discussed openly and genuinely.
You are probably reading this because you really need your husband to listen to you, but just before you continue, one question you need to ask yourself is does your Husband believe that he doesn’t listen to you or is this just a misunderstanding on your part.
This is a good place to start because my Husband has told me numerous times that I have His attention, but just because I have an expectation in mind, it is usually difficult for me to believe I had His attention until he gives me his full attention.
Yours may not be a case of distraction while listening, it may be a case of a stubborn Spouse who refuses to accept your request or opinion even when He knows it will ultimately work for the good of your Family.
Now, once you are certain that He truly doesn’t listen then you may want to approach Him with the below tips in mind .
Before we jump right in, be sure to know that if you do not have a connection with Him, then of course listening to you may not come naturally and this can actually be a struggle. Feel free to check my last blog post on the No 1 thing you must do to connect deeply with your Husband.
Now let’s dive in.
These 5 are key for me, and will definitely help you know how to make your Husband listen to you from today.
⇒ Listen with the intention to understand.
Oh yes, I always start with Self. If you really need Him to hear you, it starts from being able to hear Him.
How can you judge that He doesn’t Listen If you are not a good listener?
Seriously though, do you listen when He speaks to you? Would he define you as a Spouse that listens? If not, you may want to start learning how to listen to Him effectively. Keep an open mind and listen with the intention to actually understand not necessarily to respond. Yes, they mean (two) different things.
Sometimes, you may be awed at what he is saying, perhaps because it hurts or because you never expected that he would ever think that way.
Acknowledge and validate his view/feeling before proceeding to agree or disagree. In my opinion, you must be able to demonstrate sound listening abilities if you have the desire to be heard by your Husband.
⇒ Be mindful of your mode and timing of Communication.
Do you know that less than 10% of the meaning your Spouse gives to what you communicate is derived from your verbal communication?
This means that about 90% of the interpretation given to what you communicate is derived from your unspoken words. i.e. the tone of your voice and your body language.
No wonder why your Spouse may get upset when you roll your eyes or sniff your nose while saying “I am sorry”.
If you really need Him to hear you, then you must know that besides what you say, how you speak can significantly determine how your Spouse receives what you need Him to hear. Once your Husband feels attacked chances are that He will act defensive and could easily build a wall to prevent you from hurting Him further.
Who wants to be hurt? No one likes to be hurt and like I will always say, “there is a way to talk and a time to talk”.
It takes wisdom and an understanding of your Spouse to identify the appropriate time to engage Him so that you receive his full attention.
⇒ Keep your emotions in check.
I remember how emotional I used to be whenever I had certain conversations with my Husband. I would switch moods in seconds and also sometimes cry while trying to buttress my point to make Him understand my view, but I recall this made Him unwilling to continue the conversation with me. In his mind, it seemed like emotional blackmail. lol.
On some other occasions, I would raise my voice because at that time, I believed He got the message better when I raised my voice. If you are super emotional like I used to be, then you need to keep your emotions in check. You need to rise above your emotions to face the truth of your reality.
Try thinking more rationally than emotionally while communicating so that you can inspire Him to freely open up on his true feelings or the ideas he has in mind.
⇒Identify the channel through which He prefers to be communicated with.
This may be strange for you but some people would rather chat or email than engage in a verbal discussion. Some others are unable to digest and assimilate the exact context of the message if it is communicated through chats or email, they prefer face to face engagements.
For example, I know that at my place of work, I am sensitive to the mood of my Manager when I need to seek certain approvals from Him, while in some cases, I would rather send a mail. This right here is wisdom!
So if you feel that your Husband would rather give you more attention when you use an email, a letter or chat etc., please go for it. At some point in my life, I have had to write letters to my Husband. Gist for another day! lol.
My point is, understand the personality of your Spouse and deal with him from a place of understanding. For some, it’s not just the channel but also the environment! Refuse the urge to follow popular opinion on how to speak to a Man.
Remember to keep in mind the ultimate goal of why you need Him to listen as this should be your motivation for which option to adopt.
Don’t be scared to sign up for coaching too, things must not get bad before you seek wise counsel, For some people you require individual Coaching, so that you can get tailored suited feedback as it applies to your relationship. You can always WORK WITH ME HERE.
⇒Stop being defensive.
A defensive behavior can cause your Spouse to reciprocate a defensive attitude when you decide to communicate with Him.
The moment you put up a defensive attitude, you put yourself in a position where you are unable to accurately perceive the motive of your Husband. This would definitely hurt Him and may cause Him to act in the same manner to you.
You need to make it easy for your Husband to believe that he is heard. This way He will be more receptive to listen to what you have to say. Any Wife who is maintaining the position of “I will not submit, I shan’t submit” etc. does this to the detriment of her marriage.
Ignorance is the root of our issues sometimes and oh yes, for a long time I was Ignorant!
Please, also know that even when He disagrees with your view, there are ways to go about it. You can either agree, agree to disagree, negotiate and arrive at a mutual ground or postpone the conversation for a later date.
The aspect of respect in marriage has been grossly abused by the world . Once you are able to give your Husband the assurance that you are absolutely aligned to His leadership, He will easily trust and listen to you.
The feeling of being disrespected by you can prevent Him from wanting to listen or have you around his presence., but more importantly, you must have an understanding of what respect means to you and your Husband.
Let me say right here that having Him listen to you does not always mean that he will do what you say per time. However, if you also trust Him, you will submit to His decisions and where you disagree, you will both find a point of agreement.
PS: He won’t be right all the time, He may make mistakes, when He refuses to listen to you. Oh yes, He may be wrong, but that is where you should surrender your battles to God. We all make mistakes, and you are not always right in your decisions as well, so please extend grace to Him as much as possible.
Also think about it this way, If your Husband who is Human doesn’t really do everything God tells Him to do, why expect Him to always do what you want?
⇒Personalize your feelings and communicate your needs as desires
Learning to convey your feelings in a personalized format is such a rewarding approach to expressing yourself to your Spouse because it allows Him to be receptive towards you.
Being honest but also kind with your words can positively motivate your Spouse to digest the information you are trying to pass across.
AVOID statements like; “You are always doing XYZ” or “You Never do XYZ” etc.
I strongly recommend that Couples use “I” statements when expressing themselves as it lets your Spouse know how you feel and makes Him more empathetic towards your feelings.
And if you are making a complaint, show how His actions are affecting you without being confrontational. For e.g. I feel neglected when you return home from work without taking any notice of me.
This would definitely sound better than saying “ You always ignore me when you return home from work”.
Even when you may have an expectation from your Spouse or a need to be met, there is just this special feeling when He hears the desires of your heart without attaching that “ feeling of entitlement”. I know this because I also expect my Husband to communicate His desires in a nice way without it sounding like a Demand.
So for example if your desire is for your Spouse to assist with the house chores, rather than demanding it, it’s okay to make Him know you yearn for the day he will support with the dishes.
HERE IS A BONUS AND VERY IMPORTANT POINT.
⇒Pray before you engage
Now you may think this is just another religious exercise, but allow me share my own experience with you.
On countless occasions my Husband has turned his back on some request I made to him, but once I brought God into the picture, I saw how in reality God turned the mind of my Husband in my favor within a space of hours.
My 1:1 Clients also have this testimony, as I have seen this play out in the marriages of my Clients as well. Indeed the heart of a King is in God’s hand and He turns it the way He pleases.
I came to realize that nagging, yelling and holding your Husband to His ear has never been the best form of getting Him to listen.
Instead of nagging, learn to bring the matter before God and allow God to handle His son. Ask him to prepare your Husband’s heart before you approach Him so that in the end, peace reigns in your home.
I know this has been helpful, but I will love to read from you, which of these points jumped at you the most?.
Please, drop your comments or questions in the message box below and I will be glad to respond.